Totally Relaxed?

I enjoyed Dan's post ... His version of "The Rest of the Story." It is pretty accurate. All except the part about how as soon as I received the epidural I was "totally relaxed." I think that this is a bit of an over statement. The epidural is a lot of things ... I may even equate it to a miracle drug. But totally relaxed is not how I would explain my state at 5:00 am on Monday morning. Although the extreme pain of a single contraction is not felt as it would normally, you still have contractions that exude enormous amounts of pressure on your body every minute or so. And when the doctors tell you you can't push yet, this is probably more painful than a contraction.

Now, although I was not totally relaxed, I was immediately funny - at least I thought so. And I think the nurses thought so, too, although maybe they were just more amused by the whole package and not so much at my attempt at stand-up.

So, Dan and I are officially parents. On Monday, I was a complete zombie...On Tuesday, I looked at our daughter and was overcome with emotion. Was it possible that I loved this baby this much?? The answer is yes ... and I know that I will only love her more each day - even when she is 13 years old and we can't seem to agree on anything. This love is an awesome feeling. It brought me to tears as I sat in the hospital bed watching her sleep.

On Wednesday I was brought to tears for another reason...OH MY GOD! They are letting us go home with Emily and we didn't even pass a test. Apparently, you only have to pass three tests to take home a baby: 1) Have working reproductive organs, 2) Successfully deliver a baby and 3) Have a car seat securely installed in the back seat of your going-home-from-the-hospital vehicle. Dan and I passed each of those tests which means we are the proud new owners of a brand new baby girl. I know that I should have said "parents" not "owners" but that was a little how I felt on Wednesday morning - We now "own" this child. It is our job to make sure that we take care of her, feed her, change her, take her in when it is time for maintenance check-ups and regular oil changes.

Yes, you have read the metaphor right - I am comparing this to owning a car - but it is so much more than that. But it is almost more difficult to get a car these days - First off, you test drive cars...as many as you want to make sure you get the one that suits you best. Then you have to negotiate with the salesman an appropriate price for your new vehicle, then you have to qualify for a loan and if you qualify for the loan then you have to fill out a bunch of paperwork, prove you have automotive insurance, send paperwork to the DMV and finally, if your car is ready, you can take it home ... And your new car comes with an owner's manual!!

Last I checked, we did not get to test drive any babies to make sure that Emily was the right fit for us. We just ended up with her and the doctors assume that all is going to work out. Secondly, when we arrived to the hospital, I didn't have to prove anything to anyone - All I said was I am having a baby. I signed a form that I did't even have to read and then a couple of days later I signed another form that said I was being discharged ... with a kid. Nobody asked if I had all the proper things in place at home first, nobody asked if I had a way to make sure she received appropriate medical care after the hospital and nobody made sure that I qualified financially to take care of this human being. All everyone kept saying was "congratulations."

Truly, I get the absurdity of my metaphor, but when taken in this form, doesn't the whole thing seem a bit ridiculous? Look at all the people that go home with children every day that don't have the means to take care of their children, they don't have medical insurance and much much more. Would these same people qualify to purchase a new car? Maybe ... or maybe not. This post reminds me a lot of the post that Dan first wrote (or one of the first). We went to the doctors, they did an ultrasound, said "yep, you're pregnant..congrats," then they slapped us on the ass and sent us out the door - with no information, no new parent-to-be packet, etc...Perhaps this says something about "the system." Anyway, just a thought.

Okay - so on to more important things. Yes, I am tired...yes, I am sore...and yes, it is true that I did not enjoy the entirety of my pregnancy. But I would not change a thing. And yes, I could do this again (but not soon...) - she was worth every ache, pain and worry. For nine months, I worried about her. When I took my first (of many) preganancy tests in late July, I worried that I would lose her. At each doctors appt, I worried that they would tell me something was wrong. I worried because I loved her then...but I love her so much more now. My love for her is overwhelming. And moreover it feels like she has been here all along. She just fits ... So even if the doctors did let me go to the nursery to test drive babies, I definitely would have still picked her.

Now, I know that there will be ups and downs and I am still a lot nervous about when Dan goes to work ... what am I going to do without him here? He has been amazing. He was amazing at the hospital - I could not have done it without him by my side. He has been amazing at home and he is amazing with Emily.

When Dan started this blog, he titled it "The Journey Begins." This was an appropriate title because our journey was beginning ... but now we have closed that chapter and started a new adventure. One that wil be challenging, difficult and likely there will be tears and heartache and more worry on the way. But this adventure will always end the same - with our Emily Grace and that is our reward.