The Hungry Caterpillar

First off....let me apologize for all of my husband's grammatical and spelling errors. I realize that he offered his apologies earlier, but I am not sure that does it justice. You see, this has been a point of contention since our dating days over five years ago. My husband does type like he talks and frankly, I am concerned that this will transfer to our unborn child. Instead of having one grammatically challenged person to correct every day, I will have two. Not sure that I can handle this.

Okay, on to the issue at hand. All I really want to know is when will I stop being hungry? This morning, I had a breakfast bar at 7:00 am. At 8:30 am, I felt a little hungry and proceeded to eat my entire bag of saltines that was supposed to last all day. At 10:30 am, starving yet again, I ate an orange. And then at 11:30 am, I was counting the seconds until lunch. I am like the main character in the book "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" by Eric Carle. As a kid, growing up, I would read that book and wonder how in the world one animal could be capable of this type of hunger. Well now, when I read that book to junior, I will sadly be able to say, "Look, that was your mom when she was pregnant with you."

So while I eat my way through the hours (thankfully not eating through the pages of books like the hungry caterpillar), I have another fear - how am I going to lose all the pregnancy weight. You may be thinking ... this lady is out of her mind, can't she just be thankful to be blessed with a child. Well, I am thankful, but in the meantime, I think that my concerns are like every other newly pregnant person that they just don't want to say. So sue me for speaking my mind.

Speaking of feeling blessed - I do feel blessed. After a tumultuous spring and early summer, we finally have a heart beat. I can tell you that there isn't quite anything like seeing, through the ultrasound monitor, the tiny, rapid beating of another life's heart. I keep thinking, "we really created this little life...how can this be?" I used to look at other women who yearned for children and hear them talk about the "miracle of life" and I would think to myself...yeah...yeah..yeah, whatever. You see, I never yearned for a little child in my arms. I like children, yes, but it was never something that I had to have - until last fall. Something happened. Call it my biological clock, call it something in the water. Whatever it was, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was nearly as surprised as my husband when the words "I must have a child" came flowing out of my mouth last November. So here we are. Excited? Yes. Nervous? Yes. Not nervous about having a child, but nervous about making it to 40 weeks. During my first pregnancy in January, I embraced my unborn child with all of my heart and soul. I spoke to my baby one day after a positive pregnancy test. I became attached to my child and after the miscarriage I was convinced that I and my relationship with my husband would never be the same. In many respects I am not the same, nor is our relationship. Having a miscarriage and feeling like you are responsible for death, will change you and it will change the way you relate to other people. I am lucky that my husband is the supportive person that he is, because this change had the potential to cause major damage. And while we did teter on the edge of happiness and despair many evenings, we made it through and are stronger than we were before.

So because of all of this I am being more cautious this time, although I found myself for the first time today (after something like 7 pregnancy tests, a doctors visit, an ultrasound and a heartbeat) saying to this newly created life ... "kid, you gotta stop demanding so much food, because mom is tired of being hungry all the time."

At times, this blog will likely be very emotional and I appreciate those of you who may read this in the future for bearing with us through what is truly a life-changing experience. I hope at times, though, we can also offer a few laughs as we traverse the road ahead. Thanks to those of you who are starting this journey with us and will see us through to the end, whatever the outcome may be.

.....and now I think it's time for a snack.