I absolutely loved that Dan Crawford started this blog for us when I was pregnant with Emily (aka Amabo). And I loved posting on that blog. (insert side note: I happen to think that I can be kindda funny at times, despite the fact that I was a band-geek). Anyway....the problem: I just can't keep it up. I have good intentions, sure, but the same is true of .... let's see: scrapbooking, filing, keeping up with the finances, strategic planning at work, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and trying to be a good mom. Yes...good intentions, indeed -- but in the words of famed author John Steinbeck, "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray."
So, why do I have uninterrupted time to write tonight? Because, Dan took the children to Asheville and I stayed home. At first, I thought that made me a bad mom. I didn't go with my children. I couldn't, mind you, because I have some work things that I need to do (oh, yeah, and I had a hair appt this weekend!), but still, I could have cancelled that hair appointment and made my way to Asheville with the family. But, in the weekend of a quiet, clean house, I realized something. And that something is that I am a much better mom when given the opportunity to be a person once in a while instead of a mom.
Oh sure ... a mom is still a person, this is true. But all of you working and non-working moms out there know what I mean. Truly being a person and not someone's mom or wife, for that matter. I have had the whole weekend to myself and honestly, I haven't known what to do. At first I thought that I would live it up with some single girlfriends in downtown Raleigh. Then I thought, well maybe I'll get some housework done. When reality set in that I was here for several days, all alone (with three border collies) I decided that all I really wanted to do was sit in my house, without the TV on, without anyone talking. And that is almost what I did. I did leave to shop with my mom, to get my haircut and to purchase some flowers to plant in my garden (which has not been cared for in about 3 years....), but I relished the fact that when I got home, I would be walking into a house untouched. A house that was going to be in the same shape that I left it that was for the most part .... wait for it ..... clean.
I love my children. .... Let me say that again. I LOVE my children and I LOVE my husband. But I think as moms, we have to understand that giving out all of this LOVE also means that we sometimes forget who we really are. It's hard. I work full time, I act as the CFO for Crawford, Inc. (which happens to be a not-for-profit, BTW!), and I have children to take care of. I recently told my neighbor that the only reason I cook is because my children need some nutritional value during the 6pm hour. Her response was "who says that?" Well, friends...the answer is "me." I say that. Truly ... if I didn't have to provide some sort of meal that was made up of protein, veggies and some sort of grain between 6 and 7, I am not sure that Dan Crawford and I would eat anything of value. The short of the matter is that being a mom is freakin' hard! And 70% of the time I do feel like I am losing my brain...I feel like I have no handle on what is going on in my house, let alone the world. And you know what....that's okay. If we all did a little better job of being honest, then we might be able to help each-other out along the way. Most of the time, I feel like I am doing motherhood half way right ... Why? Well, because all of my peer moms seem to have it together, they have cupcakes made, stories read, pajamas on and they are loving life. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that for these seemingly "put-together moms" their world is caving in, too. And please know, I don't take satisfaction in thinking this about the seemingly put-together moms, I just have to know that it is a reality.
Talking about motherhood is not why I started this blog entry tonight. I started it because having all of this free time this weekend has allowed my brain to wonder and I have had several politically charged conversations and I forgot how much fun that was. I work in the non-profit world and I raise money for children and adults with disabilities. That means that for the most part, at least professionally, I have no real personal opinion. And so...in my world of crazy 40+ hours of working and then 168+hours of motherhood, I sometimes forget about my opinions. But this weekend, I remembered what it was like to voice those opinions.
Our country is freakin' broken. How in the world did we get so off course? Why are we okay with the fact that our NC Legislture has put on the ballot an amendment limiting the rights of a certain group? Here is the definition of discrimination: "The unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people." So ... as a country, we are willing to deny funding to an organization because they may discriminate; but, we are willing to put an amendment on our ballot that blatently discriminates against homosexuals?? In my opinion, this is no different than what happened in the 60s around race discrimination. And certainly (and at least publicly) everyone would say that African Americans are equal to Caucasians, right? So how is this any different? Please someone tell me the answer. Oh, perhaps it is because gay marriage doesn't fit the definition of "ideal family" in the mind of conservatives. Let me tell you about ideal family....Many in the country are growing up without the ideal family -- in single parent households. Which, please know, I am not judging...but I am saying ... isn't marriage in general good for America? If you are trying to figure out the answer, let me help you. It is Yes.
Let me talk briefly about another American issue that is BROKEN. Healthcare. Seriously! How is it that it costs a physician more to try and offer a free health clinic than to provide services under some over-priced insurance scheme in a clinical practice? We need real health reform in this country and that isn't going to happen until someone if willing to stand up to the Health Insurance companies. Do I have any takers for that job? No? I am shocked!
The list goes on, for sure, but it is getting to a point in the evening when even I know when to stop. I think my issue is mostly that I don't understand how we ended up being such a complacent nation. We are willing to settle for the soundbites on both sides of the aisle, D and R. We are not willing to make a big deal of the issues that really pose a threat to our well-being as a society. From all the history books I have read and the documentaries I have seen, I think that the 60s were different - the people of the 60s seemed to take a stand and because of that stand, change happened. Where is that fervor now? Are we just too bogged down in our capitalistic and selfish society of greed in order to care about making a difference? Perhaps I should have been a PS professor in order to study these issues or maybe I should have been a Democratic activist to try and effect change. Either way, I feel tremendously pissed at our government leaders and at our society for allowing this to happen. Friends that know me know that I, for the most part, believe in our political process. I believe in democracy (little d) - but I am not sure that I have a lot of faith right now in the people to make democracy work like it should.
AND to bring it full circle back to motherhood!!!!!! - I pray every night that I can instill wisdom enough into Emily and Abby that they will stand up for what is right and they will fight for individual rights. Sure ... I hope they get good grades in school and I do hope they go to college. But more than that ... I hope that they take a stand, and I hope that they will be leaders in a society that I think will truly need them. I love those kids and we are trying to raise them right and my hope is that something that we say or do will stick to the wall with them.
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