Lessons Learned ....

I am completely mesmerized by the fact that Facebook has become a political platform for so many.  No doubt, there is a great proportion of us who have posted at one time or another something about our political values or something that strikes us either in an approving way or perhaps disapproving.  But recently, especially with the buzz around Amendment One, I have seen a surge of political posts.  Perhaps that is because I spent about two weeks using Facebook as my political platform.  Since then, I have been feverishly searching Facebook posts to see other political posts, both for and against the side for which I stand.

Two such posts have caught my eye in a negative way.  One was a post from Catholic Answers regarding opposition to Gay Marriage and all the reasons to be against homosexuality in general.  The post was by far the most offensive thing that I have ever read.  I mean that and it bears repeating -- it was the most offensive collection of words and sentences I have ever read.

The other post was one about Obama vandalizing Presidential biographies.  REALLY?  I find that hard to believe ... so I went searching.  The article from "The Examiner" states that Obama has injected himself into history by using what Presidents of the past have done and saying that he is doing something similar, etc...  I located the source of this alleged vandalism and what I found was that actually, what the White House has done is to add a "Did You Know" fact to a handful of presidential biographies online to show a comparison between his policy or tradition and one from the past.   I started to respond to the post, but decided that because it was a close relative it just wasn't worth it.  I am appalled however ... and disappointed in this particular person.  I am sure that none of us can ever recall a time when we have quoted leaders of the past or compared our work to those of the past to talk about what we are doing to build upon that history.  I am disappointed in the sub-population of citizens that 1) creates these stories like the one found on "The Examiner" and 2) promotes them.  I am disappointed that we are not working together towards a common agenda.  I am disappointed that we have decided that it is somehow more important to attack the President on something that is not a crime nor is it inappropriate.  We have a choice - we can discuss the issues ... and I mean really discuss them and understand them.  We can come to agreement on how to move forward.  We are defeating ourselves and for what?  Greed.  Power.  Selfishness.  Defeating ourselves is also not a crime, but inappropriate and wrong - Yes.

Yes ... I wanted to post all of these words tonight on Facebook but in the end I decided to post them here instead.  It is safer here and not that I have ever been one to choose the safe route...but perhaps, I am taking examples from my past and others' pasts, just as Mr. Obama is doing.  I am choosing to do the right thing because the words that I post on Facebook will not change anybody's opinion -- they will only cause hurt and discourse.  Much in the same way that Amendment One has caused hurt and discourse.  Funny how easily I can take an example from history (recent history that is) and apply it to my own situation.   Does that mean that I am injecting myself into history?  Perhaps some think it is.

Best Laid Plans....

Holy Cannoli, Batman! It has been a long time since the last post. There are two perfectly good reasons for that. Their names are Emily and Abby.

I absolutely loved that Dan Crawford started this blog for us when I was pregnant with Emily (aka Amabo). And I loved posting on that blog. (insert side note: I happen to think that I can be kindda funny at times, despite the fact that I was a band-geek). Anyway....the problem: I just can't keep it up. I have good intentions, sure, but the same is true of .... let's see: scrapbooking, filing, keeping up with the finances, strategic planning at work, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and trying to be a good mom. Yes...good intentions, indeed -- but in the words of famed author John Steinbeck, "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray."

So, why do I have uninterrupted time to write tonight? Because, Dan took the children to Asheville and I stayed home. At first, I thought that made me a bad mom. I didn't go with my children. I couldn't, mind you, because I have some work things that I need to do (oh, yeah, and I had a hair appt this weekend!), but still, I could have cancelled that hair appointment and made my way to Asheville with the family. But, in the weekend of a quiet, clean house, I realized something. And that something is that I am a much better mom when given the opportunity to be a person once in a while instead of a mom.

Oh sure ... a mom is still a person, this is true. But all of you working and non-working moms out there know what I mean. Truly being a person and not someone's mom or wife, for that matter. I have had the whole weekend to myself and honestly, I haven't known what to do. At first I thought that I would live it up with some single girlfriends in downtown Raleigh. Then I thought, well maybe I'll get some housework done. When reality set in that I was here for several days, all alone (with three border collies) I decided that all I really wanted to do was sit in my house, without the TV on, without anyone talking. And that is almost what I did. I did leave to shop with my mom, to get my haircut and to purchase some flowers to plant in my garden (which has not been cared for in about 3 years....), but I relished the fact that when I got home, I would be walking into a house untouched. A house that was going to be in the same shape that I left it that was for the most part .... wait for it ..... clean.

I love my children. .... Let me say that again. I LOVE my children and I LOVE my husband. But I think as moms, we have to understand that giving out all of this LOVE also means that we sometimes forget who we really are. It's hard. I work full time, I act as the CFO for Crawford, Inc. (which happens to be a not-for-profit, BTW!), and I have children to take care of. I recently told my neighbor that the only reason I cook is because my children need some nutritional value during the 6pm hour. Her response was "who says that?" Well, friends...the answer is "me." I say that. Truly ... if I didn't have to provide some sort of meal that was made up of protein, veggies and some sort of grain between 6 and 7, I am not sure that Dan Crawford and I would eat anything of value. The short of the matter is that being a mom is freakin' hard! And 70% of the time I do feel like I am losing my brain...I feel like I have no handle on what is going on in my house, let alone the world. And you know what....that's okay. If we all did a little better job of being honest, then we might be able to help each-other out along the way. Most of the time, I feel like I am doing motherhood half way right ... Why? Well, because all of my peer moms seem to have it together, they have cupcakes made, stories read, pajamas on and they are loving life. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that for these seemingly "put-together moms" their world is caving in, too. And please know, I don't take satisfaction in thinking this about the seemingly put-together moms, I just have to know that it is a reality.

Talking about motherhood is not why I started this blog entry tonight. I started it because having all of this free time this weekend has allowed my brain to wonder and I have had several politically charged conversations and I forgot how much fun that was. I work in the non-profit world and I raise money for children and adults with disabilities. That means that for the most part, at least professionally, I have no real personal opinion. And so...in my world of crazy 40+ hours of working and then 168+hours of motherhood, I sometimes forget about my opinions. But this weekend, I remembered what it was like to voice those opinions.

Our country is freakin' broken. How in the world did we get so off course? Why are we okay with the fact that our NC Legislture has put on the ballot an amendment limiting the rights of a certain group? Here is the definition of discrimination: "The unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people." So ... as a country, we are willing to deny funding to an organization because they may discriminate; but, we are willing to put an amendment on our ballot that blatently discriminates against homosexuals?? In my opinion, this is no different than what happened in the 60s around race discrimination. And certainly (and at least publicly) everyone would say that African Americans are equal to Caucasians, right? So how is this any different? Please someone tell me the answer. Oh, perhaps it is because gay marriage doesn't fit the definition of "ideal family" in the mind of conservatives. Let me tell you about ideal family....Many in the country are growing up without the ideal family -- in single parent households. Which, please know, I am not judging...but I am saying ... isn't marriage in general good for America? If you are trying to figure out the answer, let me help you. It is Yes.

Let me talk briefly about another American issue that is BROKEN. Healthcare. Seriously! How is it that it costs a physician more to try and offer a free health clinic than to provide services under some over-priced insurance scheme in a clinical practice? We need real health reform in this country and that isn't going to happen until someone if willing to stand up to the Health Insurance companies. Do I have any takers for that job? No? I am shocked!

The list goes on, for sure, but it is getting to a point in the evening when even I know when to stop. I think my issue is mostly that I don't understand how we ended up being such a complacent nation. We are willing to settle for the soundbites on both sides of the aisle, D and R. We are not willing to make a big deal of the issues that really pose a threat to our well-being as a society. From all the history books I have read and the documentaries I have seen, I think that the 60s were different - the people of the 60s seemed to take a stand and because of that stand, change happened. Where is that fervor now? Are we just too bogged down in our capitalistic and selfish society of greed in order to care about making a difference? Perhaps I should have been a PS professor in order to study these issues or maybe I should have been a Democratic activist to try and effect change. Either way, I feel tremendously pissed at our government leaders and at our society for allowing this to happen. Friends that know me know that I, for the most part, believe in our political process. I believe in democracy (little d) - but I am not sure that I have a lot of faith right now in the people to make democracy work like it should.

AND to bring it full circle back to motherhood!!!!!! - I pray every night that I can instill wisdom enough into Emily and Abby that they will stand up for what is right and they will fight for individual rights. Sure ... I hope they get good grades in school and I do hope they go to college. But more than that ... I hope that they take a stand, and I hope that they will be leaders in a society that I think will truly need them. I love those kids and we are trying to raise them right and my hope is that something that we say or do will stick to the wall with them.

Circle of Life

It has been several months since the last blog ... well, we are parents now and the time I would have spent doing that is now spent sleeping. Being up until 11:00 pm these days is rare and even getting to bed past 10:00 pm feels late. Boy am I getting old.

I have been inspired to blog again for a couple of reasons: 1) My neighbor recently looked up our blog and commented that she enjoyed reading it. After seeing her comments, I realized that it is really nice to look back where we have been and celebrate how far we have come and I should continue to take part in this online diary of sorts. 2) My child has had several new developments during the past week that I don't want to forget.

I had every intention of blogging about the milestones tonight, but I think this post will take a different course. Before I digress, however, I do want to at least mention what she has "learned during the past 7 days.
1) Everything is a phone and if there is no object in her hand to turn into a phone, holding a pretend phone to her ear works just fine.
2) She is learning to high-five
3) She can now wave "bye-bye" with some consistency
4) She is mobile -- you can hardly call what she does crawling - it is two hands on the ground, one foot and one knee and a sort of wobbly shimmy across the floor that occasionally involves a face plant.
5) She laughs at us when we tell her "no"

I know that this is just snapshot of the joy that we are getting out of all of these accomplishments, but I know that those of you who have the pleasure of being parents understand.

While I had hoped tonight to blog about all of this joy, I am grieving. Tonight I learned that a beloved professor past way. Abraham Holtzman was my first political science professor at NCSU. At the time, he was only teaching PS 201, NCSU's PS intro course. He had retired, but came out of retirement to teach one class per semester. By the time I was taking Abe's class, I had already decided I was a Democrat and I knew that I wanted to major in political science. Despite already making these transformative decisions for myself, I will be forever grateful to Abe and his class. He changed the way that I thought about college, he taught me more than he will ever know about politics and he made me a better student.

When I was at NCSU, professors' grade distributions were posted online. Students could tell how many A's, B's C's, etc...a professor gave the previous several semesters. In previous semesters, Abe gave only 3% A's. Abe's class was hard. He would go down the aisle and ask a question and if you were wrong, he flat out told you you were wrong. He didn't sugar coat it and say "Well, that could be right .... does someone else have another answer?" He just said that you were wrong and I loved this about him. He would continue down the aisle until a student said the correct answer. If, while giving the answer, you said the word "Like" to stall, he would make a "buzzer" sound and mimic you saying "Like" with the most pained grimace on his face. He taught people in our class how to think on our feet and how to use the english language in ways that helped us sound intelligent. He taught us how to use knowledge to back up our opinions. His class was so much more than a intro class.

I learned at an early age that in order to do well in a class, it was best to get to know the professor. Not so that I could talk my way into a class, but so that I could learn the professor's style, what information they deemed valuable. I treated Abe's class no differently. Soon after classes began that spring semester of my sophomore year, I began visiting Abe's office on Friday morning's before my 12:15 pm class. In these conversations, I got to know Abe and from these conversations I learned how Abe thought and how he was going to teach us. And from that, I knew how to study for his class. And study I did. I read the book that he wrote for the intro class (and I still have that book) and I was prepared everyday. I never felt, though, that I studied that hard for his class - probably because I enjoyed the class and I enjoyed that material. On the first test which was all essay (all of Abe's tests were essay) I got a 98%. Knowing that it was a rare ocassion for Abe to give A's, I thanked him after receiving our scores. He said "What are you thanking me for?" I said, "For the A, I know you don't give those out very often." His reply, "I didn't give you that A. You deserved it."

Over the course of the semester I got to know Abe very well. I learned about his children, I learned about his life in politics. He gave me recommendations on what books to read. I learned that on a trip to Rome when he was a child, Abe's family ended up in the pope's presence during a ceremonial parade in which the pope was handing out blessings. His father told him to bow his head to receive the blessing and Abe asked "why? we're Jewish." His father retorted, "It's the Pope and we'll take all the blessings we can get."

After that semester, I continued to be in touch with Abe. I had started working for Congressman David Price and during 2001, Senator Lieberman was the special guest at one of David's fundraisers. Abe Holtzman wanted to attend and I picked him up at his house and drove him to the event at the Washington Duke. It was an honor to have Abe travel with me.

Over the course of several more years, Abe and I wrote to eachother. We would often write about politics, the candidates of the day and our thoughts about the races. I valued Abe's opinion and I hope that he saw some sense in mine. When Dan and I started dating, I even went to visit him with Dan and we enjoyed a lovely afternoon in the sitting room of their lovely home inside the beltline.

When I was in Abe's class, I was Sarah Randall. And he used to tell me that it reminded him of a poem - Lord Randall...he would always recite lines of the poem to me. I always took Abe at his word and never looked up the poem until now. Why would I wait so long to look up the poem that my great mentor and friend told me about for years? Who knows...but here is a link to it in case you are curious http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/lord-randall-2/

The last time I saw Abe Holtzman was last spring at a retirement party for a fellow NCSU PS Professor (Oliver Williams). I am thankful that he got to meet Emily then.

As I think about the life Dr. Holtzman, grieve his death and give thanks to God for the life of my daughter, I ponder the wondrous circle of life and the amazing life that awaits Emily.

Today, my daughter went to daycare.

Today, I cried.

I suppose it would have been much worse if the first day of daycare coincided with my first day back to work. But, for the past two and half months I have left Emily at home while I go to work and (except for the first week) it has been okay. But today was different. Today, I wrote a check for $300, gave it to a woman named Tammy and left my daughter in a room full of babies with two women named Connie and Becky. All of these people are strangers and I am $300 poorer.

I called at noon today to ask how she was doing - of course Emily was doing great. Taking a nap, eating great and in general the happy baby we know we she is. I, on the otherhand...well that's another story.

So, we made it through the first day of daycare ... she isn't sick with the daycare cooties yet, but I know that is coming. So, here's to day two!

How old is he?

To the readers ... No, Emily did not fall off the face of the earth after her baptism. On the contrary! She has been keeping us so busy that finding time to blog has proven to be a most difficult task.

As I write this evening, I have just fed Emily her last meal of the day and put her down. She was of course on her way to being asleep when I put her in her crib and swaddled her up...but now, over the baby monitor I can hear her complaining. Not crying - just complaining. I sighed heavily and started to put my computer down, but Dan said, "No." Afterall, she is five months old and certainly old enough to "cry it out." I, however, do not like to listen to her cry and will either have to go get her and make it better or otherwise turn the monitor off.

Okay...the complaining is over and now it is crying. This will only take a moment.

Okay, I am back. Every time I "rescue" Emily, I always tell her, "One day, you'll cry and nobody will come save you..." Of course, I have no idea when that day will come because I certainly haven't been capable of it yet!

But, I digress.

Those of you who know me know that I am not a pink kind of girl. I did not want a bunch of pink for my daughter. However, I have learned a very important lesson. If Emily is not dressed in appropriately "girly" clothes, then she does not necessarily look like a girl. She looks like a baby and people ask "How old is he?"

So, to combat this, I dress Emily up in girl clothes. Occasionally, her father will put something on her that is very "boy-ish" like an NC State onesie and clearly girls cannot be NC State fans. But many times I put Emily in something pink-ish so that people will not mistake her for a boy.

Tonight, Dan and I went out for dinner and the woman at the table beside ours asked, "How old is he?" Normally, I do not get too terribly annoyed at this question especially if Emily is dressed in something gender neutral - yellow, red, green... But tonight, she had on a coral colored onesie with various color flowers and cream pants with matching flowers. To top it off, said articles of clothing were embellished with sequins. Now, I don't know about you, but last time I looked through the boys section of clothes at Baby's R Us I did not see anything with sequins.

I politely said to the woman, "SHE is five months old."

Baptism and a Well Stocked Diaper Bag

Today, our daughter was baptized.

Before I get to this though, I must first tell you about the importance of a well stocked diaper bag.

Lesson One - Never leave home with checking your supply of wet wipes:
The diaper bag plays an important role in our lives now - a role that we never thought existed. Recently, we were at a fundraiser for the Conservation Council of NC and Emily needed a diaper change. Dan decided to take diaper duty so I sent him to the restroom with the diaper and the container of wipes. The fundraiser was at the impressive Cardinal Club in downtown Raleigh - with no convenient place to change a baby in the men's room. Dan improvised and set her on the ottoman in the siting area of the restroom. Not surprisingly, Emily had of course done #2 and Dan opened the wipes container to proceed clean up. Dan only had one wipe! Dan tells a pretty funny in person version of the story, but it ended with a wad of wet paper towels, with him on his knees hovering over the ottoman trying to clean Miss Emily up. When he returned, he handed her to me and simply said, "She is going to need a bath tonight."

Lesson Two - The Diaper Bag can carry more than just dipaers:
Emily went to her first baseball game on May 31st. This was a fun day - Mudcats v. Smokies (Cubs AA team). Emily didn't much care, to be honest with you, but I am sure she appreciated the fresh air. Usually, at the ball games, you are allowed to take no beverages and no snacks in because you are forced to pay the ball park price. But, when it is in your diaper bag, nobody questions it. So what was in ours...peanuts, popcorn, water and a Diet Mountain Dew. The essentials. Oh yeah, we did have diapers, wipes (fully loaded) and a bottle - but why waste the bottom of the diaper bag when you can cram your own snacks in it, too.

Now..on to the business at hand...

Our daughter was baptized today. I didn't cry like so many of our family and friends, but it was emotional for me. Why didn't I cry? I don't know. Especially when I can cry at the drop of a pin these days. But I didn't. Perhaps because I was busy being the mother. This morning, I woke up at 5:15 am to feed Emily at her demanding, then I took a shower and proceeded downstairs to check the to do list. Dan's family stayed with us so they were busy to work already on the things we had discussed the night before. Seeing that all was in order, I went back upstairs to finsh getting ready, feed Emily before we left for church, get dressed, get her dressed, take pictures and get everyone loaded in the car by 8:00 am.

We arrived at church and saw many of our family and friends including, of course, Emily's Godparents Donald and Lori. When we were first thinking about who would serve as Emily's Godparents, we immediately thought of Donald and Lori. I wondered if we should pick relatives, although Donald and Lori are as close as relatives get without actually being related. But these friends have been through so many milestones with us. Donald officiated our wedding, counseled us before our wedding and Lori has been a spiritual beacon for us (for me in particular). The first time that Lori prayed with me was on the day of my wedding. I had prayed with Lori before this at mealtimes, etc, but this was the first "personal" prayer. I was on the phone, concerned because we were running late for pictures for the wedding, with emotions running wild and stress filling every inch of my being, Lori prayed for peace with me. This is the first time in my life that I remember praying for peace. I had prayed before for God's will to be done, but never for peace. A calm came over me at this prayer and I knew that all my prayers from that day forward would be different. And they were.

During the baptism, Emily received the sign of the cross over her forehead and over her heart and during this part, she smiled. While my head tells me that this was only a coincidence, I have to believe that it was God smiling upon her and upon us today. In so many ways I wish that the entire church could have seen this, but in retrospect, it was a moment I am glad to have shared with her Godparents.

So many people have been instrumental in our lives - helping to shaper who we are and we are so grateful and blessed that these same people are a part of Emily's life. Our prayer today is for peace - peace in knowing that God will take care of us through all of our days, peace in knowing the love that God has for us and our daughter and peace for our friends and family.

You Finally Pooped

Words that I never thought would come out of my mouth...at least not in a jubilant way.

This morning at 5:30 am, my daughter finally pooped. And when she did fireworks went off and there were cheers all around. Okay, there weren't really fireworks, but there were cheers from the audience. An audience of two mind you. The audience started out as one, but upon realizing she pooped I called Dan in the room so that he could have a look too.

Never before would poop have been so exciting. A friend, actually Emily's Godmother, told me that this would happen and I am not sure I believed it until it did. You see, Emily has started this strange pattern of bowel movements in which she will poop for a couple of days in a row and then she will go five days before she poops again. Poor little thing - although it doesn't seem to bother her until the day before she poops. Then you can just see the frustration in her face as she grunts and all she does is pass a little gas. So bearing in mind this "schedule" Emily was due to poop yesterday morning. All day, I waited ... thinking if she doesn't poop soon I am going to have to call the doctor and make sure she is alright. We put her to bed last night and I wondered how many more days do I wait?? Well, this morning, as Emily woke up to eat (at 5:15 am!! She slept all night!) the poop came and I have never been so happy.

Emily was happy, too.

Okay, so not exactly the endearing post that you may have expected, but I thought that this was worth sharing. Not about the poop exactly, but about the amazing transformation that happens to all new parents. Being a new parent I feel I have some authority on this issue. All of the sudden things that didn't matter at all before are the most important thing in the world and things that were the most important thing in the world seem to fade in the background.

All I'm saying is that I never thought I would care so much about poop.

Trial and Error

My apologies for not blogging in a while. Usually, just as I think about blogging, Emily decides she has had enough independent time, or the dogs have to go out, or dinner has to be made...

Yes, we have been keeping our days pretty busy lately. We have gone shopping a lot (which is why I have to go back to work!), we stop by Chick-Fil-A on a regular basis so that I can fill up on diet lemonade! That cool, refreshing drink, freshly squeezed without the calories! On Tuesday, I stopped by my local Chick-Fil-A to get my large Diet Lemonade for $2.10 and the drive thru line was wrapped around the building! So, what did I do? I drove to Knightdale to grab my lemonade there.

Our laziest day yet was on Monday. Emily and I stayed in our pajamas all day long, I didn't make the bed (the horror!) and we caught up on all of our DVRd programs and movies! This was a good thing since we were running out of space with all the shows I have been recording during this motherhood thing. We are back down to only filling 30% of the DVR memory which means we can get back to recording movies on Encore.

Besides needing to catch up on TV and movies, we had another reason for such a lazy Monday. It's called "crib transition." After Emily had slept for 5 hours at night for 7 days in a row, I decided it was time to transition her to the crib on Sunday night (she's been sleeping in a bassinet beside our bed). What a crappy mother's day present to myself! Neither one of us slept much that night. I knew it was going to be a transition, but I wasn't prepared. While Emily did not sleep poorly (she was up about every 3 hours) every time I went back to bed I had one ear glued to the baby monitor waiting to see if the occasional grunt was going to turn into a wail.

After three nights of the same, I decided that I was NOT going to cave. We are all going to learn how to do this, but last night I decided to change it up a little. She ate at 8:30 and I decided that she would eat again at 11:30 (three hours is pretty typical for day time eating) and then I would rock her to sleep and put her in her crib. Emily had a different plan...

After her 8:30 eating she fell asleep on the couch with Dan around 10:00 pm. At 11:00 we all decided to go upstairs so that when she woke up we would already be upstairs and poised to make the transition to bed time in the crib. Well 11:30 came and went and rather than waking her, I thought I would just let her wake up on her own. I was sitting half up in bed holding her and expected that she would wake up around midnight - certainly no later than 12:30! So I waited...I ended up laying her beside me in the bed since my arms were getting tired. At 1:30, I woke up and Emily was still sound asleep (in the bed, mind you, which I have been trying not to let happen!). So I moved her to her bassinet and she finally woke up at 2:30 to eat. Now the big question...to crib or not to crib??? I decided to take a chance and I swaddled her up and took her to her room and tucked her in her crib. I held my hand on her chest a minute longer than normal hoping that she wouldn't wake. And she didn't! She slept until 6:15 am. And after feeding her again, I put her down in her crib and she slept for another couple of hours, waking not to eat, but just to say that she was done with being lonely.

Now, although the beginning of the night did not go as I had planned I marked last night down as a success in my book. I got the sleep I wanted, Emily got the mom time she wanted and I also learned that she can sleep at least part of the night in her crib. So little by little, we'll keep trial and erroring our way through this and figure out what works.

There are a couple of different parenting "theories" that I have read ... Parenting on a Schedule, Parenting on Demand. I was thinking I was the parenting on demand type, but now I realize I am completely about trial and error!

Growing Up

I am really not trying to "one-up" Dan by blogging tonight. I was planning on blogging today anyway, but was a little busy earlier today with an unexpected relative in town. You see, I have this wonderful aunt that lives in Georgia who came to town for a few days last night. The problem? Well, she forgot to tell anyone that she was coming! Oh well. Emily and I have a routine that we usually stick to, but we interrupted it today to hang out with Aunt Kathy.

I am not entirely certain what I am going to do when Emily has her first skinned knee. You see, last week, all week long I needed to cut her finger nails. I had done it the week before, but newborns fingernails grow really quickly and they needed another trim. I had been putting it off for several days, not because I didn't want to do it, but because it was always inconvenient...I thought of it at an inconvenient time, the nail clippers were out of reach...etc...On Friday, Emily and I were hanging out in the new man room (which isn't really a man room at all -- Let's be honest, it's Emily's play room). Emily started to get a little fussy and she was moving her arms all about and she swiped her hand across her face and scratched herself. This was no small scratch. Her nails were like little knives and she really gave herself a good scratch. At first, I thought maybe she didn't notice what she had done, but it only took a brief second before she let out a wail of pain. I felt so bad and my tears started to flow. I thought, "this is it...I have to cut her nails right now because I am the reason that she has this terrible scratch on her face." So I calmed her down and she was resting peacefully and I got the nail clippers and I started to cut. Her middle finger on her left hand was particularly long so I was trying to get the edges trimmed nice and neat ... and ... I clipped her finger...It didn't bleed a lot, but it did bleed and she did cry and then I cried - somewhat uncontrollably. I felt so bad!! I had hurt my daughter, albeit unintentionally, but I had hurt her!!

I came down stairs with my tear stained face (By this point, Emily was already back to sleep and had forgotten about the entire ordeal!) and Dan asked me what was wrong. I relayed "the incident" and he assured me that this would not be the last time I hurt her..." GREAT! I have more of this to look forward to? So what am I going to do the first time she skins her knee on the pavement while playing? Am I going to sob while I put some neosporin and a bandaid on it? Probably! Or maybe I will have learned by that point that accidents happen and as much as I want to protect her from every affliction in the world, this is part of growing up...growing up for me as much as it is for her.

Speaking of growing up...four weeks into it I am finally starting to feel like I am NOT a teen-mom. All during the pregnancy I kept thinking, "I am not old enough to be having a baby...this is like a teen pregnancy." Of course, I am more than old enough to have a child, old enough in fact to have several children. But I didn't feel like it. Why? I have no idea. I own a house, two cars, am married, care for three dogs, have a full time job with benefits and even have a life insurance policy that I pay for. Of course I am old enough but for some reason I couldn't wrap my head around being a "mom" during the pregnancy. Well, motherhood has been embraced fully. True, the first week I felt a little like I was playing house, but now it feels like what I have always done.

Sure, there are a lot of things that I miss about being a kid - seemingly endless summers, playing outside, cartoons, eating macaroni and cheese every day for lunch and not gaining an ounce! But now, I just get to live that through Emily from a different perspective. And that's kindda fun.

The baby girl

Folks, wow it has been a long time. I cannot believe that the little one is 4 weeks old today. I really am not smart enough to describe how incredibly awesome it has been to have her here with us. She is infallible in every way. If she is screaming at the top of her lungs or laying peacefully in her little box (that’s what we call her moses’ basket) she is great. So far things have been going pretty well. She has been eating and sleeping pretty regularly as can be expected with a newborn. SC is an amazing mother and I love to watch her being a mom.

So far things have been fairly normal, I guess, I have never done this before so I am not sure if they are not going the way they are suppose to. At her last check up she weighed 8lbs 11oz so she already made up her birth weight and is growing daily. She is in the 90 percentile of her height and 50 percentile of her weight so a lot of her clothes do not fit her well. She is quite tall. Yesterday it appears she had a little stomach ache as she was fussy by her standards for most of the day. Late in the day, she cleared things up and hopefully that will take care of things. The sounds she make are entertaining and love to listen to her. I also enjoy her hanging out in the bed with us, not to be confused for sleeping in the bed. Sometimes she is lonely and all it takes is some time on the couch or on the bed with you to knock her out. I am going to try and post more often, just been a little busy with her and all. I have some good friends that are expecting, and I cannot wait for them to get there bundles of joy. If it is anything like I am experiencing it will be such a wonderful time.

What I Know Now

The books on my nightstand have been replaced by a fresh supply of diapers, wipes and desitin cream. My dreams are interrupted by the worries of a mother who wants to make sure her child is still breathing at night. My daily thoughts are now consumed with making sure that Emily Grace has everything she needs. And I am now a pro at doing things with one hand - even being right handed, I successfully ate a salad for lunch today with only the use of my left hand.

I can do so many things that I couldn't do two weeks ago - I can bathe a baby, I can feed a baby and change a diaper while half asleep. I can whisper lullabies while softly praying that she goes back to sleep. Two weeks ago I would have thought it was so boring to watch a baby sleep - but now I can even do that and pass endless hours that way finding fascination in every breath she takes.

I know so much more than I knew two weeks ago - I know that when my baby sneezes it is not a cold, it is just a sneeze. I know the difference between a hungry cry, a gas cry and a lonely cry. I know that if you don't get the new diaper on quick enough you'll get a wet surprise. I know how important sleep is, but I also know that I am capable of functioning on a lot less than 8 hours.

Yes, I know so much more than I knew two weeks ago...I know of the heroism of all mothers of the world. I know that nothing compares to a mother's love for her child. Watching Dan, I understand the special love that a father has for his daughter. And I now know how much my parents love me. Not that I ever really doubted their love for me, but it wasn't until I became a parent myself that I could truly comprehend how deeply parents love their children.

Yes, it is amazing how much can change overnight and how much more I know about myself and my ability to love than I did two weeks ago. And I am excited about how much more I will know in another two weeks.

All Worth It

I just woke up from a nap...I have never been a good napper - on occasion, yes, but never one to want to nap every day. My husband, on the other hand, is a great napper. I truly believe that he thinks weekends were made for naps. Don't get me wrong, we do a lot on the weekend - take the dogs to the flea market, take them swimming, clean house - It's no wonder he needs a nap after all that activity. But while he naps, I usually surf the internet, organize or just sit and watch TV.

This has all changed. I am a mega-napper now. My co-workers would argue that point since they see me emailing them at various times throughout the day just to make sure that I don't let things fall through the cracks! But, truly, I nap now. In fact, one might say that I no longer "go to bed" at night - I just take a series of 2 and 3 hour naps all evening in between feeding Emily.

During these nap times in the evening from 10:00 pm - 8:00 am, I wake up repeatedly thinking that I have forgotten to put her in her bassinet and I search frantically for her in bed. She is always in her bassinet and I should just learn to look there first! I have heard that I am not the only one who has this feeling. I also wake up thinking that I have just finished feeding her only to realize that I haven't even started yet.

We are a week and a half in and I am not really sure where to begin. Emily is a great sleeper - for two and three hour shifts - perhaps I should say she is also a good "napper." So far she has cried for two reasons: Being naked and being hungry. Dan says that he is going to try to keep her crying every time her clothes come off until she is 25. We'll see how that works out for him. In the evenings, our routine goes something like this:
9:30 eat
10:00 - new diaper
10:00-12:30 - sleep
12:30 - eat (this is usually a long eating period for some reason)
1:15 - new diaper
1:15-1:30 - rocked back to sleep
1:30-4:00 - sleep
4:00 - eat while we listen to daddy snore
4:30 - new diaper
4:30 - 7:30 - sleep
7:30/8:00 - eat

It's not a bad schedule. The first few nights, Dan was getting up with each feeding because it was difficult for me to sit up and get her out of the bassinet. But now that I am moving around a lot better, Dan is sleeping through the feedings better.

So what have I learned in the past week and a half:
1) Always have the new diaper ready before you take the old diaper off - this will prevent having to clean the receiving blanket or the furniture from the unexpected pee or poop.

2) The nipple soreness from breast feeding does eventually get better...

3) Do not weigh yourself the day you get home from the hospital. You will only be disappointed

4) Think very carefully before you come downstairs for the day and make sure you have everything you need for the day so that you don't have to make multiple trips up and down stairs

5) Always have a back up outfit for the day - there will be spit up

6) Along those same lines, don't burp without a burp cloth...it will end badly

7) No matter what, visitors always want to wake up the baby...Why is this? Do they not understand how precious that time is while she is sleeping?

8) I thought I had strange dreams during the pregnancy...now the dreams are borderline insane...perhaps this is part sleep deprivation.

All joking aside, this is awesome. I know that there will be good times with the bad, but this whole experience has been worth it. From all the worry and fretting during the pregnancy to holding her in the wee hours of the morning, waiting for her to shut her eyes again and go to sleep - and then lowering her slowly into the bassinet praying that her eyes don't open again, less we have to start the whole process over again. It is all worth it.

Totally Relaxed?

I enjoyed Dan's post ... His version of "The Rest of the Story." It is pretty accurate. All except the part about how as soon as I received the epidural I was "totally relaxed." I think that this is a bit of an over statement. The epidural is a lot of things ... I may even equate it to a miracle drug. But totally relaxed is not how I would explain my state at 5:00 am on Monday morning. Although the extreme pain of a single contraction is not felt as it would normally, you still have contractions that exude enormous amounts of pressure on your body every minute or so. And when the doctors tell you you can't push yet, this is probably more painful than a contraction.

Now, although I was not totally relaxed, I was immediately funny - at least I thought so. And I think the nurses thought so, too, although maybe they were just more amused by the whole package and not so much at my attempt at stand-up.

So, Dan and I are officially parents. On Monday, I was a complete zombie...On Tuesday, I looked at our daughter and was overcome with emotion. Was it possible that I loved this baby this much?? The answer is yes ... and I know that I will only love her more each day - even when she is 13 years old and we can't seem to agree on anything. This love is an awesome feeling. It brought me to tears as I sat in the hospital bed watching her sleep.

On Wednesday I was brought to tears for another reason...OH MY GOD! They are letting us go home with Emily and we didn't even pass a test. Apparently, you only have to pass three tests to take home a baby: 1) Have working reproductive organs, 2) Successfully deliver a baby and 3) Have a car seat securely installed in the back seat of your going-home-from-the-hospital vehicle. Dan and I passed each of those tests which means we are the proud new owners of a brand new baby girl. I know that I should have said "parents" not "owners" but that was a little how I felt on Wednesday morning - We now "own" this child. It is our job to make sure that we take care of her, feed her, change her, take her in when it is time for maintenance check-ups and regular oil changes.

Yes, you have read the metaphor right - I am comparing this to owning a car - but it is so much more than that. But it is almost more difficult to get a car these days - First off, you test drive cars...as many as you want to make sure you get the one that suits you best. Then you have to negotiate with the salesman an appropriate price for your new vehicle, then you have to qualify for a loan and if you qualify for the loan then you have to fill out a bunch of paperwork, prove you have automotive insurance, send paperwork to the DMV and finally, if your car is ready, you can take it home ... And your new car comes with an owner's manual!!

Last I checked, we did not get to test drive any babies to make sure that Emily was the right fit for us. We just ended up with her and the doctors assume that all is going to work out. Secondly, when we arrived to the hospital, I didn't have to prove anything to anyone - All I said was I am having a baby. I signed a form that I did't even have to read and then a couple of days later I signed another form that said I was being discharged ... with a kid. Nobody asked if I had all the proper things in place at home first, nobody asked if I had a way to make sure she received appropriate medical care after the hospital and nobody made sure that I qualified financially to take care of this human being. All everyone kept saying was "congratulations."

Truly, I get the absurdity of my metaphor, but when taken in this form, doesn't the whole thing seem a bit ridiculous? Look at all the people that go home with children every day that don't have the means to take care of their children, they don't have medical insurance and much much more. Would these same people qualify to purchase a new car? Maybe ... or maybe not. This post reminds me a lot of the post that Dan first wrote (or one of the first). We went to the doctors, they did an ultrasound, said "yep, you're pregnant..congrats," then they slapped us on the ass and sent us out the door - with no information, no new parent-to-be packet, etc...Perhaps this says something about "the system." Anyway, just a thought.

Okay - so on to more important things. Yes, I am tired...yes, I am sore...and yes, it is true that I did not enjoy the entirety of my pregnancy. But I would not change a thing. And yes, I could do this again (but not soon...) - she was worth every ache, pain and worry. For nine months, I worried about her. When I took my first (of many) preganancy tests in late July, I worried that I would lose her. At each doctors appt, I worried that they would tell me something was wrong. I worried because I loved her then...but I love her so much more now. My love for her is overwhelming. And moreover it feels like she has been here all along. She just fits ... So even if the doctors did let me go to the nursery to test drive babies, I definitely would have still picked her.

Now, I know that there will be ups and downs and I am still a lot nervous about when Dan goes to work ... what am I going to do without him here? He has been amazing. He was amazing at the hospital - I could not have done it without him by my side. He has been amazing at home and he is amazing with Emily.

When Dan started this blog, he titled it "The Journey Begins." This was an appropriate title because our journey was beginning ... but now we have closed that chapter and started a new adventure. One that wil be challenging, difficult and likely there will be tears and heartache and more worry on the way. But this adventure will always end the same - with our Emily Grace and that is our reward.

Introducing Emily Grace Crawford

My how time flies and lives change forever! SC and I just shared a laugh realizing that I blogged at 6:54 on Sunday night. Well here is the rest of the story. The contractions began to increase in frequency so much so, that we called the doctor and she said to come on in, something was happening. We arrived at the hospital around 9ish and got checked in, SC was still only dilated 3cm, the same amount from the doctors visit on Friday. The nurse said she could tell clearly something was happening but we need to be a little further along to know that labor was occurring…

They wanted us to walk around to see what would happen. And by walk around, take laps around hospital. I felt like I was in a bad Nascar race, we did about 80 laps around Labor and Delivery wing at Rex, I know what nurses have birthdays in March, some new leadership programs that you can ask Eillene about, and some dinner on pre mature births that costs $5 for members and $10 for nonmembers. After two hours and 80 laps things were still where they were when we arrived, 3cms, the good news was that the baby was doing great. Something was happening but we could wait for it to happen at home, so they kicked us out.

As any of you can imagine, a certain someone was not pleased with this, and at this point contractions were starting to increase in pain. Back at home, they were kind enough to giver her an Ambien to help her rest so she was sleeping between contractions, I was not. Around 3 she woke up and thought that getting into the shower may help comfort her a little. Not more than 3 minutes into the warm soothing shower, the bag of waters broke, hot damn, this is happening. A quick call to the doctor told us what we had been waiting to hear, the process was beginning and get back to the hospital.

The contractions were intensifying in pain while the time between was diminishing. The short walk from the car to the entrance doors allowed 4 contractions to occur and SC was in a lot of discomfort. At about 4:00am we checked back into the same room as before and had the same nurse, Ashley was incredible, I am not sure who enjoyed who the most us or her. You may recall that SC was going to try and do this au natural without the aid of epidural. As Ashley confirmed this was still our decision SC said she wanted the juice. I simply asked her if she wanted to get through a few more contractions before she decided, with the same conviction of Linda Blairs head spinning around and green vomit projecting out her mouth, she assured me that it was time for the juice.

Around 5ish, and please note that all times are estimates and may not be to scale since there was a lot of stuff happening, the epi was in and SC was happy. At our first visit to the hospital, we were like Abbott and Costello, SC was the straight guy and I was the funny one. After the epi, our roles seemed to shift, SC became the funny man, and I was the straight guy. The epi clearly achieved its goal of totally relaxing her. Around 6, we finally got the word that the pushing could commence and so it was. Ashley asked if I wanted to see the baby. I was positioned on SC’s left side at her waist with her legs in the proverbial stir-ups, I thought I was more than close enough to the action and politely declined a front row seat to the origins of the world. Ashley, said that she had a head full of hair and that was all I needed to hear, I quickly assumed my front row seat and could see the babies head, had a good ways to come yet, but I could clearly see that she had a lot of hair. I manned the left leg during the pushing process and helped Ashley with encouragement of the pushing.

The doctor came in around 7:15 we were getting closer. If you recall, at the OB/GYN they make you see all the doctors because your regular doctor is never on call when you deliver… Our doctor was on call. Dr. Fisher was amazing, I had gotten to know her throughout the process, but in the Birthing Room, she was no nonsense and I think SC was glad it was her. SC inquired as to when the vacuum would come out, after all she had been pushing for over an hour. Doc said that first timers get to push for 2 hours before other measures were employed so keep doing what you are doing. Watching the baby girl proceed down and out was an incredible experience one that I will never forget.

At 7:40a.m. March 23, 2009 Emily Grace Crawford entered the world at 8lbs 1oz 21 ½ inches long and a head full of black hair. She came into the world with her eyes wide open. I thought she would be smaller and more blue. Her first APGAR score was a 7, 5 is normal; her next one was a 9, she still had some blueness in her hands and feet. I had seen a miracle. Mom and baby did great.

The first night in the hospital was unique and offered up its on set of challenges and opportunities. Our baby girl got her lungs around 2:30am I would guess. Before that her lungs still had plenty of amniotic fluid in them so her cries were short and sweet. That was no longer the case. Folks had said that we should not let her spend the night in the nursery while at the hospital because it would give us an opportunity to learn her habits early. The nurse quickly relinquished us of that absurd idea. She said that the kids first 36 hours or so are the most challenging because of the many changes the baby is going through, allowing her to go to nursery would allow us to catch our breath and get a little rest. Needless to say we did not get much sleep that night, combined with the no sleep the night before, I was pooped. The second night was somewhat better, we kept her in the room and she did a lot better than the previous night. SC was and is doing an amazing job, I love to watch her and the baby.

My first dirty diaper was an experience that Emily would probably like to forget. It was about 20 minutes that seemed like a lifetime. She had a massive bowel movement, there was the poop everywhere, even in places it did not belong. On top of that, my first time out of the gate, I was offered a massive spit-up at the same time, I pleaded with her that she should wait a little while before having the both end blues and this is not a nice way to thank me for the next 18 years that I am legally bound for her care.

I don’t think we both can say enough about the nurses and other staff at the hospital. They were great, very knowledgeable and ready to answer any questions. I am sure SC will have some more to add about the process and all. We are now at home and trying to rest comfortably. At about 11pm last night I hit the proverbial wall and had to crash. The new one did awesome last night, she ate at 12:30am, 3:30am, and 6:30am and that was it, not a peep otherwise. SC took care of the feedings obviously since I got nothing to offer there at this juncture. I assume that at some point we will pump some milk once we get a little more experience then I will be able to help out.

I cant tell you how grateful we are to all our friends and family. My mom has offered to stay for a week or so to help SC out around the house so she is not alone at first, and then I think SC’s mom will do the same. Emily is plain awesome, we laid in the bed this morning and just hung out. There is no doubt this will be one of the hardest things we ever do in our lives, but the reward will be unmatched. I assume that one day I will stop having the desire to just hold her and look at her and give her little kisses, though who knows, I may not.

Is this it or what?

What in the hell is going on? Is this Pre-Labor or Fake Labor or whatever the hell you want to call it. Something is going on because every 7 minutes or so, SC winces in pain for about a minute. But checking resources provided to us by so called professionals, this is normal. We should not do anything till the frequency is 5 minutes apart. Is everyone the same for this stuff? What happens if we are different? I am not trying to have a baby on Capital Boulevard or the Beltline.

Sarah is a trooper she has been amazing through out this process. Yeah I may make jokes, but she is as tough as they come, and there is a reason us men are not chosen to bear the responsibility of keeping the species alive.

I know one thing for certain, we are both getting super excited, between contractions we have been making silly jokes and overall acting silly. I can only describe it as excitement as we know the process is taking its course and will not be as long as it has been. Some say this could go on for hours or days. I am hoping for former not the latter. But who knows. It all started yesterday morning but stopped when SC officially did some nesting. I think I was made of fun last time I accused her of nesting early on in the process.

Well, this is about all I can write in 7 minutes, I am getting ready for another contraction and some work on the pregnancy ball, which is also serves as an exercise ball. Pray for us, but hopefully things are progressing normally.

Carpool Baby Shower

You read the title right....a Carpool Baby Shower. Since July, I have been part of the Triangle Town Carpool group. This has been the best carpool group ever. We started out as any new group of people starts out ... Chit chat about our jobs, our lives, the weather. But what started as a group of strangers quickly became a group of friends. We have been there for each other through relationships with spouses, boyfriends (or fiances), children and much much more and now pregnancy.

So today, the carpool came to pick me up at my office (my chariot home) and there were signs pasted on the windows that read "Carpool Baby Shower! It's a Girl!" It was my first shower ever in a car and it was so much fun. The car was decked out with signs, streamers and presents. We even had cookies and sparkling cider!

My first present from the carpoolers was a crib sheet ... thanks, friends! They heard the story about how the grandmother-to-be made sure we had plenty of crib sheets (we ended up with 15 after the shower in Asheville!). I also got diapers, stuff for breast feeding (which I was sure NOBODY would buy off of my registry) and a bottle holder for the dishwasher. Everything was perfect. Thank you to Portia, Terry and Tavey and their creative idea of a Carpool Baby Shower.

My Best Friend

For the past several weeks, I have been working on a blog post about all the things I have learned during pregnancy. This is turning into quite a novel seeing as how I have learned a lot. I also don't feel qualified to "finish" it until this whole pregnancy thing is over ... and then I am sure I will start a new post entitled "all the things I have learned during motherhood."

So, that said, I felt compelled to post an Ode to My Husband. During this entire process, I have told some quite humorous stories about all the things that my husband has said wrong, done wrong or simply the things that he has "thought" wrong. To be honest, although there are many times that I nit-pick at all the small things, most of these stories are truly just that ... stories. Stories that are engaging and humorous at, unfortunately, his expense. My husband is a good sport though - he has been known to embellish certain stories for comedic value so he understands this.

But, I owe him a lot and I know that I don't tell him enough. The truth, friends, is that I couldn't have done this without him. He has been amazing. He has done almost everything I have asked of him without complaint (and I say almost, because he has complained a couple of times, but it was warranted because I do ask for a lot!). He has rubbed my aching calves to prevent nighttime cramps; he encourages me to take naps and relax; he cleaned the house on Saturday while I did just that - and although some things may not have been to my specifications (hard to imagine!) the house was clean. He cooks dinner, he runs out to get me the random craving of fruit or chocolate milk, Wendy's chicken sandwich and whatever else I desire. He tells me how beautiful I am, even when I am crying that I have fat feet (swollen from pregnancy). Dan, not the handiest of men, may not be able to fix things around the house and he may end up breaking more stuff than he fixes, but he does so many more amazing things in spite of my having hormone driven outbursts that are often times unpleasant. I am pretty sure that he has read every book about pregnancy and raising a child, and those books that he hasn't read are either on their way to our house or on hold at the library. We watched the DVD "The Happiest Baby on the Block" last night and Dan took notes ... Rarely does a day go by when he doesn't take our beloved dogs, Keeper, Wrigley and Fly, to their favorite place on earth - the park. Even in the rain, snow and sleet - he knows how much it means to them and he does it regardless. He has sat with me through every ache and pain of pregnancy and even though he can't empathize, he has done his best to make me comfortable when possible.

I know that he is anxious about being a father ... excited and anxious. Dan's grandparent's raised him and although his grandfather played a large role in his life, Dan did not have the traditional "Dad" that I am so fortunate to have. So he wants to make sure he is the best Dad ever ... and you know what? He will be. He will be because he cares. He is a wonderful husband and will be a wonderful father very deserving of the title "Dad."

So, although he may not always put his dirty socks in the hamper and he is still learning how to clean "Sarah's way," I really have not a lot to complain about. In fact, I am very very lucky and I do not express this enough. The list in this "ode" is in no way complete - but I think it definitely lets you in a little on my world ... I have it pretty good. I am looking forward to starting the next leg of this journey into parenthood with my partner, my husband and my best friend.

Man oh Man

We had another doctor visit yesterday and things continue to progress. SC is at 2cm and 70% effaced. I hope I can post that, if not, all you quick readers and RSS folks will get some scoop. What does all this mean? Absolutely nothing. It means she could go into labor next week, or next month. Things are progressing normally. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers and hope things continue to go well.

I think we are both ready for the baby that shall be named later, Amabo as you know her, to hurry and get here. I feel badly for SC because she is having much difficulty sleeping at night due to uncomfortableness caused by the process. I know we need the practice of not sleeping at night i wish we could get that without her being in so much pain.

I think SC looks absolutly gorgeous, I cant wait for our little baby to get here. We continue to prep for her in every way imaginable. If anyone else has a book recommendation please let us know so we can buy it, start to read it, and forget about it. The latest book/dvd is "the happiest baby on the block" the least we can do is make our selves sit through the 45 minute dvd.

Well I just wanted to post a quick update after the doc visit yesterday. I am not sure if i have mentioned this previously, but it is my intent to keep this blog up and running once Amabo gets here. It will be a good way for updates to be sent for people that care and a place to post pictures and such. Peace.

Birth Certified

Well, Dan and I finished up our birthing class last night - five weeks for two hours a week so that we could learn how to give birth. I asked the instructor at the end of class last night if we would be getting a certificate. After all, I did receive a little card after my Red Cross CPR class. But alas, we did not get anything to hang on the wall. Perhaps that happens once the baby is actually delivered - a little diploma or something?

I was recently joking with a friend about this and she remarked, "Yes, you get that in the hospital, and if you do it without the drugs then you get a gold sticker on it." Well, this just seals the deal for me. I want that gold sticker, darn it!

Our class was good - we had an interesting child birth educator who told us all about the risk factors of the epidural and how bad it was and then said, "I am not saying this because I am against epidurals, I am telling you because you have a right to know." Hm?? Sounds fishy to me. I think that Dan mentioned this in an earlier blog, but she is also all about some chinese herb to get the baby to flip in the correct head down position. As you know from my last post, you know that we did not have to resort to those methods, Amabo followed the script (for a change!).

What else is new? We are now seeing the doctor once a week until D-day. At the last appointment the doctor said that she felt a little hole ... so I guess that means I am dilated slightly. Don't get excited - I could stay this way for many more weeks, even well past my due date. My biggest fear now is that I will go to the doctor this Friday and they will say that I am not dilated at all -- is it possible to go backwards in this process?

Right now, what I am working on most is getting work wrapped up, which has been difficult because every time I turn around I have some new project.

That's about it for now. Stay tuned for more updates!

Bring It On

Where to begin...well, the kidney pain came back last week. If you have been following the blog, you will recall that the week of New Years I was inflicted with severe pain in my right side due to pressure being put on the ureter preventing my kidney from draining properly - the same effect of a kidney stone. Well, the pain returned, this time on my left side. From Wednesday through Saturday I was in and out of pain - most times with pain at a constant low level and then peaking for a period of one to two hours to a 9 or 10 on the 1-10 pain scale. I am going to go as far as to say that this time it was worse than before because when the pain wasn't in full swing, I was still pretty uncomfortable, with pain at a constant level 2. I have been without pain since about 11:00 pm last night, minus a brief 20 minutes of pain at a level 3 around lunchtime today. So, hopefully it is gone. I feel the best I have felt in more than 5 days.

One of the good things to come out of this whole ordeal is that we got to go back to Duke Raleigh Hospital on Friday afternoon for a second renal ultrasound to make sure what was I experiencing was all just pregnancy related. During the ultrasound, I told the sonographer that she was welcome to take a peak at the baby while she was ultrasounding my bladder and kidneys. She at first said that she couldn't because the order only indicated for her to do a renal ultrasound, but then she rethought it and said we'll at least take a look at the head since it is right here ... And where was it? That's right, friends, it was down! So this confirms it. Yes, I know that the doctor said on Wednesday that she felt head down, but I like to have the proof in pictures!

So Amabo has retired into the birthing position which is good news and means that she is making herself ready. And at this point, with the pressure in my ribs, which was explained to me as expanding cartilege by the doctor, and the possibility of kidney pain coming back, Miss Amabo is welcome to make her entrance into this world at anytime. Seriously. We have the carseat, the crib, and clothes to put her in. Bring it on.