Lessons Learned ....

I am completely mesmerized by the fact that Facebook has become a political platform for so many.  No doubt, there is a great proportion of us who have posted at one time or another something about our political values or something that strikes us either in an approving way or perhaps disapproving.  But recently, especially with the buzz around Amendment One, I have seen a surge of political posts.  Perhaps that is because I spent about two weeks using Facebook as my political platform.  Since then, I have been feverishly searching Facebook posts to see other political posts, both for and against the side for which I stand.

Two such posts have caught my eye in a negative way.  One was a post from Catholic Answers regarding opposition to Gay Marriage and all the reasons to be against homosexuality in general.  The post was by far the most offensive thing that I have ever read.  I mean that and it bears repeating -- it was the most offensive collection of words and sentences I have ever read.

The other post was one about Obama vandalizing Presidential biographies.  REALLY?  I find that hard to believe ... so I went searching.  The article from "The Examiner" states that Obama has injected himself into history by using what Presidents of the past have done and saying that he is doing something similar, etc...  I located the source of this alleged vandalism and what I found was that actually, what the White House has done is to add a "Did You Know" fact to a handful of presidential biographies online to show a comparison between his policy or tradition and one from the past.   I started to respond to the post, but decided that because it was a close relative it just wasn't worth it.  I am appalled however ... and disappointed in this particular person.  I am sure that none of us can ever recall a time when we have quoted leaders of the past or compared our work to those of the past to talk about what we are doing to build upon that history.  I am disappointed in the sub-population of citizens that 1) creates these stories like the one found on "The Examiner" and 2) promotes them.  I am disappointed that we are not working together towards a common agenda.  I am disappointed that we have decided that it is somehow more important to attack the President on something that is not a crime nor is it inappropriate.  We have a choice - we can discuss the issues ... and I mean really discuss them and understand them.  We can come to agreement on how to move forward.  We are defeating ourselves and for what?  Greed.  Power.  Selfishness.  Defeating ourselves is also not a crime, but inappropriate and wrong - Yes.

Yes ... I wanted to post all of these words tonight on Facebook but in the end I decided to post them here instead.  It is safer here and not that I have ever been one to choose the safe route...but perhaps, I am taking examples from my past and others' pasts, just as Mr. Obama is doing.  I am choosing to do the right thing because the words that I post on Facebook will not change anybody's opinion -- they will only cause hurt and discourse.  Much in the same way that Amendment One has caused hurt and discourse.  Funny how easily I can take an example from history (recent history that is) and apply it to my own situation.   Does that mean that I am injecting myself into history?  Perhaps some think it is.

Best Laid Plans....

Holy Cannoli, Batman! It has been a long time since the last post. There are two perfectly good reasons for that. Their names are Emily and Abby.

I absolutely loved that Dan Crawford started this blog for us when I was pregnant with Emily (aka Amabo). And I loved posting on that blog. (insert side note: I happen to think that I can be kindda funny at times, despite the fact that I was a band-geek). Anyway....the problem: I just can't keep it up. I have good intentions, sure, but the same is true of .... let's see: scrapbooking, filing, keeping up with the finances, strategic planning at work, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and trying to be a good mom. Yes...good intentions, indeed -- but in the words of famed author John Steinbeck, "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray."

So, why do I have uninterrupted time to write tonight? Because, Dan took the children to Asheville and I stayed home. At first, I thought that made me a bad mom. I didn't go with my children. I couldn't, mind you, because I have some work things that I need to do (oh, yeah, and I had a hair appt this weekend!), but still, I could have cancelled that hair appointment and made my way to Asheville with the family. But, in the weekend of a quiet, clean house, I realized something. And that something is that I am a much better mom when given the opportunity to be a person once in a while instead of a mom.

Oh sure ... a mom is still a person, this is true. But all of you working and non-working moms out there know what I mean. Truly being a person and not someone's mom or wife, for that matter. I have had the whole weekend to myself and honestly, I haven't known what to do. At first I thought that I would live it up with some single girlfriends in downtown Raleigh. Then I thought, well maybe I'll get some housework done. When reality set in that I was here for several days, all alone (with three border collies) I decided that all I really wanted to do was sit in my house, without the TV on, without anyone talking. And that is almost what I did. I did leave to shop with my mom, to get my haircut and to purchase some flowers to plant in my garden (which has not been cared for in about 3 years....), but I relished the fact that when I got home, I would be walking into a house untouched. A house that was going to be in the same shape that I left it that was for the most part .... wait for it ..... clean.

I love my children. .... Let me say that again. I LOVE my children and I LOVE my husband. But I think as moms, we have to understand that giving out all of this LOVE also means that we sometimes forget who we really are. It's hard. I work full time, I act as the CFO for Crawford, Inc. (which happens to be a not-for-profit, BTW!), and I have children to take care of. I recently told my neighbor that the only reason I cook is because my children need some nutritional value during the 6pm hour. Her response was "who says that?" Well, friends...the answer is "me." I say that. Truly ... if I didn't have to provide some sort of meal that was made up of protein, veggies and some sort of grain between 6 and 7, I am not sure that Dan Crawford and I would eat anything of value. The short of the matter is that being a mom is freakin' hard! And 70% of the time I do feel like I am losing my brain...I feel like I have no handle on what is going on in my house, let alone the world. And you know what....that's okay. If we all did a little better job of being honest, then we might be able to help each-other out along the way. Most of the time, I feel like I am doing motherhood half way right ... Why? Well, because all of my peer moms seem to have it together, they have cupcakes made, stories read, pajamas on and they are loving life. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that for these seemingly "put-together moms" their world is caving in, too. And please know, I don't take satisfaction in thinking this about the seemingly put-together moms, I just have to know that it is a reality.

Talking about motherhood is not why I started this blog entry tonight. I started it because having all of this free time this weekend has allowed my brain to wonder and I have had several politically charged conversations and I forgot how much fun that was. I work in the non-profit world and I raise money for children and adults with disabilities. That means that for the most part, at least professionally, I have no real personal opinion. And so...in my world of crazy 40+ hours of working and then 168+hours of motherhood, I sometimes forget about my opinions. But this weekend, I remembered what it was like to voice those opinions.

Our country is freakin' broken. How in the world did we get so off course? Why are we okay with the fact that our NC Legislture has put on the ballot an amendment limiting the rights of a certain group? Here is the definition of discrimination: "The unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people." So ... as a country, we are willing to deny funding to an organization because they may discriminate; but, we are willing to put an amendment on our ballot that blatently discriminates against homosexuals?? In my opinion, this is no different than what happened in the 60s around race discrimination. And certainly (and at least publicly) everyone would say that African Americans are equal to Caucasians, right? So how is this any different? Please someone tell me the answer. Oh, perhaps it is because gay marriage doesn't fit the definition of "ideal family" in the mind of conservatives. Let me tell you about ideal family....Many in the country are growing up without the ideal family -- in single parent households. Which, please know, I am not judging...but I am saying ... isn't marriage in general good for America? If you are trying to figure out the answer, let me help you. It is Yes.

Let me talk briefly about another American issue that is BROKEN. Healthcare. Seriously! How is it that it costs a physician more to try and offer a free health clinic than to provide services under some over-priced insurance scheme in a clinical practice? We need real health reform in this country and that isn't going to happen until someone if willing to stand up to the Health Insurance companies. Do I have any takers for that job? No? I am shocked!

The list goes on, for sure, but it is getting to a point in the evening when even I know when to stop. I think my issue is mostly that I don't understand how we ended up being such a complacent nation. We are willing to settle for the soundbites on both sides of the aisle, D and R. We are not willing to make a big deal of the issues that really pose a threat to our well-being as a society. From all the history books I have read and the documentaries I have seen, I think that the 60s were different - the people of the 60s seemed to take a stand and because of that stand, change happened. Where is that fervor now? Are we just too bogged down in our capitalistic and selfish society of greed in order to care about making a difference? Perhaps I should have been a PS professor in order to study these issues or maybe I should have been a Democratic activist to try and effect change. Either way, I feel tremendously pissed at our government leaders and at our society for allowing this to happen. Friends that know me know that I, for the most part, believe in our political process. I believe in democracy (little d) - but I am not sure that I have a lot of faith right now in the people to make democracy work like it should.

AND to bring it full circle back to motherhood!!!!!! - I pray every night that I can instill wisdom enough into Emily and Abby that they will stand up for what is right and they will fight for individual rights. Sure ... I hope they get good grades in school and I do hope they go to college. But more than that ... I hope that they take a stand, and I hope that they will be leaders in a society that I think will truly need them. I love those kids and we are trying to raise them right and my hope is that something that we say or do will stick to the wall with them.

Circle of Life

It has been several months since the last blog ... well, we are parents now and the time I would have spent doing that is now spent sleeping. Being up until 11:00 pm these days is rare and even getting to bed past 10:00 pm feels late. Boy am I getting old.

I have been inspired to blog again for a couple of reasons: 1) My neighbor recently looked up our blog and commented that she enjoyed reading it. After seeing her comments, I realized that it is really nice to look back where we have been and celebrate how far we have come and I should continue to take part in this online diary of sorts. 2) My child has had several new developments during the past week that I don't want to forget.

I had every intention of blogging about the milestones tonight, but I think this post will take a different course. Before I digress, however, I do want to at least mention what she has "learned during the past 7 days.
1) Everything is a phone and if there is no object in her hand to turn into a phone, holding a pretend phone to her ear works just fine.
2) She is learning to high-five
3) She can now wave "bye-bye" with some consistency
4) She is mobile -- you can hardly call what she does crawling - it is two hands on the ground, one foot and one knee and a sort of wobbly shimmy across the floor that occasionally involves a face plant.
5) She laughs at us when we tell her "no"

I know that this is just snapshot of the joy that we are getting out of all of these accomplishments, but I know that those of you who have the pleasure of being parents understand.

While I had hoped tonight to blog about all of this joy, I am grieving. Tonight I learned that a beloved professor past way. Abraham Holtzman was my first political science professor at NCSU. At the time, he was only teaching PS 201, NCSU's PS intro course. He had retired, but came out of retirement to teach one class per semester. By the time I was taking Abe's class, I had already decided I was a Democrat and I knew that I wanted to major in political science. Despite already making these transformative decisions for myself, I will be forever grateful to Abe and his class. He changed the way that I thought about college, he taught me more than he will ever know about politics and he made me a better student.

When I was at NCSU, professors' grade distributions were posted online. Students could tell how many A's, B's C's, etc...a professor gave the previous several semesters. In previous semesters, Abe gave only 3% A's. Abe's class was hard. He would go down the aisle and ask a question and if you were wrong, he flat out told you you were wrong. He didn't sugar coat it and say "Well, that could be right .... does someone else have another answer?" He just said that you were wrong and I loved this about him. He would continue down the aisle until a student said the correct answer. If, while giving the answer, you said the word "Like" to stall, he would make a "buzzer" sound and mimic you saying "Like" with the most pained grimace on his face. He taught people in our class how to think on our feet and how to use the english language in ways that helped us sound intelligent. He taught us how to use knowledge to back up our opinions. His class was so much more than a intro class.

I learned at an early age that in order to do well in a class, it was best to get to know the professor. Not so that I could talk my way into a class, but so that I could learn the professor's style, what information they deemed valuable. I treated Abe's class no differently. Soon after classes began that spring semester of my sophomore year, I began visiting Abe's office on Friday morning's before my 12:15 pm class. In these conversations, I got to know Abe and from these conversations I learned how Abe thought and how he was going to teach us. And from that, I knew how to study for his class. And study I did. I read the book that he wrote for the intro class (and I still have that book) and I was prepared everyday. I never felt, though, that I studied that hard for his class - probably because I enjoyed the class and I enjoyed that material. On the first test which was all essay (all of Abe's tests were essay) I got a 98%. Knowing that it was a rare ocassion for Abe to give A's, I thanked him after receiving our scores. He said "What are you thanking me for?" I said, "For the A, I know you don't give those out very often." His reply, "I didn't give you that A. You deserved it."

Over the course of the semester I got to know Abe very well. I learned about his children, I learned about his life in politics. He gave me recommendations on what books to read. I learned that on a trip to Rome when he was a child, Abe's family ended up in the pope's presence during a ceremonial parade in which the pope was handing out blessings. His father told him to bow his head to receive the blessing and Abe asked "why? we're Jewish." His father retorted, "It's the Pope and we'll take all the blessings we can get."

After that semester, I continued to be in touch with Abe. I had started working for Congressman David Price and during 2001, Senator Lieberman was the special guest at one of David's fundraisers. Abe Holtzman wanted to attend and I picked him up at his house and drove him to the event at the Washington Duke. It was an honor to have Abe travel with me.

Over the course of several more years, Abe and I wrote to eachother. We would often write about politics, the candidates of the day and our thoughts about the races. I valued Abe's opinion and I hope that he saw some sense in mine. When Dan and I started dating, I even went to visit him with Dan and we enjoyed a lovely afternoon in the sitting room of their lovely home inside the beltline.

When I was in Abe's class, I was Sarah Randall. And he used to tell me that it reminded him of a poem - Lord Randall...he would always recite lines of the poem to me. I always took Abe at his word and never looked up the poem until now. Why would I wait so long to look up the poem that my great mentor and friend told me about for years? Who knows...but here is a link to it in case you are curious http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/lord-randall-2/

The last time I saw Abe Holtzman was last spring at a retirement party for a fellow NCSU PS Professor (Oliver Williams). I am thankful that he got to meet Emily then.

As I think about the life Dr. Holtzman, grieve his death and give thanks to God for the life of my daughter, I ponder the wondrous circle of life and the amazing life that awaits Emily.

Today, my daughter went to daycare.

Today, I cried.

I suppose it would have been much worse if the first day of daycare coincided with my first day back to work. But, for the past two and half months I have left Emily at home while I go to work and (except for the first week) it has been okay. But today was different. Today, I wrote a check for $300, gave it to a woman named Tammy and left my daughter in a room full of babies with two women named Connie and Becky. All of these people are strangers and I am $300 poorer.

I called at noon today to ask how she was doing - of course Emily was doing great. Taking a nap, eating great and in general the happy baby we know we she is. I, on the otherhand...well that's another story.

So, we made it through the first day of daycare ... she isn't sick with the daycare cooties yet, but I know that is coming. So, here's to day two!

How old is he?

To the readers ... No, Emily did not fall off the face of the earth after her baptism. On the contrary! She has been keeping us so busy that finding time to blog has proven to be a most difficult task.

As I write this evening, I have just fed Emily her last meal of the day and put her down. She was of course on her way to being asleep when I put her in her crib and swaddled her up...but now, over the baby monitor I can hear her complaining. Not crying - just complaining. I sighed heavily and started to put my computer down, but Dan said, "No." Afterall, she is five months old and certainly old enough to "cry it out." I, however, do not like to listen to her cry and will either have to go get her and make it better or otherwise turn the monitor off.

Okay...the complaining is over and now it is crying. This will only take a moment.

Okay, I am back. Every time I "rescue" Emily, I always tell her, "One day, you'll cry and nobody will come save you..." Of course, I have no idea when that day will come because I certainly haven't been capable of it yet!

But, I digress.

Those of you who know me know that I am not a pink kind of girl. I did not want a bunch of pink for my daughter. However, I have learned a very important lesson. If Emily is not dressed in appropriately "girly" clothes, then she does not necessarily look like a girl. She looks like a baby and people ask "How old is he?"

So, to combat this, I dress Emily up in girl clothes. Occasionally, her father will put something on her that is very "boy-ish" like an NC State onesie and clearly girls cannot be NC State fans. But many times I put Emily in something pink-ish so that people will not mistake her for a boy.

Tonight, Dan and I went out for dinner and the woman at the table beside ours asked, "How old is he?" Normally, I do not get too terribly annoyed at this question especially if Emily is dressed in something gender neutral - yellow, red, green... But tonight, she had on a coral colored onesie with various color flowers and cream pants with matching flowers. To top it off, said articles of clothing were embellished with sequins. Now, I don't know about you, but last time I looked through the boys section of clothes at Baby's R Us I did not see anything with sequins.

I politely said to the woman, "SHE is five months old."

Baptism and a Well Stocked Diaper Bag

Today, our daughter was baptized.

Before I get to this though, I must first tell you about the importance of a well stocked diaper bag.

Lesson One - Never leave home with checking your supply of wet wipes:
The diaper bag plays an important role in our lives now - a role that we never thought existed. Recently, we were at a fundraiser for the Conservation Council of NC and Emily needed a diaper change. Dan decided to take diaper duty so I sent him to the restroom with the diaper and the container of wipes. The fundraiser was at the impressive Cardinal Club in downtown Raleigh - with no convenient place to change a baby in the men's room. Dan improvised and set her on the ottoman in the siting area of the restroom. Not surprisingly, Emily had of course done #2 and Dan opened the wipes container to proceed clean up. Dan only had one wipe! Dan tells a pretty funny in person version of the story, but it ended with a wad of wet paper towels, with him on his knees hovering over the ottoman trying to clean Miss Emily up. When he returned, he handed her to me and simply said, "She is going to need a bath tonight."

Lesson Two - The Diaper Bag can carry more than just dipaers:
Emily went to her first baseball game on May 31st. This was a fun day - Mudcats v. Smokies (Cubs AA team). Emily didn't much care, to be honest with you, but I am sure she appreciated the fresh air. Usually, at the ball games, you are allowed to take no beverages and no snacks in because you are forced to pay the ball park price. But, when it is in your diaper bag, nobody questions it. So what was in ours...peanuts, popcorn, water and a Diet Mountain Dew. The essentials. Oh yeah, we did have diapers, wipes (fully loaded) and a bottle - but why waste the bottom of the diaper bag when you can cram your own snacks in it, too.

Now..on to the business at hand...

Our daughter was baptized today. I didn't cry like so many of our family and friends, but it was emotional for me. Why didn't I cry? I don't know. Especially when I can cry at the drop of a pin these days. But I didn't. Perhaps because I was busy being the mother. This morning, I woke up at 5:15 am to feed Emily at her demanding, then I took a shower and proceeded downstairs to check the to do list. Dan's family stayed with us so they were busy to work already on the things we had discussed the night before. Seeing that all was in order, I went back upstairs to finsh getting ready, feed Emily before we left for church, get dressed, get her dressed, take pictures and get everyone loaded in the car by 8:00 am.

We arrived at church and saw many of our family and friends including, of course, Emily's Godparents Donald and Lori. When we were first thinking about who would serve as Emily's Godparents, we immediately thought of Donald and Lori. I wondered if we should pick relatives, although Donald and Lori are as close as relatives get without actually being related. But these friends have been through so many milestones with us. Donald officiated our wedding, counseled us before our wedding and Lori has been a spiritual beacon for us (for me in particular). The first time that Lori prayed with me was on the day of my wedding. I had prayed with Lori before this at mealtimes, etc, but this was the first "personal" prayer. I was on the phone, concerned because we were running late for pictures for the wedding, with emotions running wild and stress filling every inch of my being, Lori prayed for peace with me. This is the first time in my life that I remember praying for peace. I had prayed before for God's will to be done, but never for peace. A calm came over me at this prayer and I knew that all my prayers from that day forward would be different. And they were.

During the baptism, Emily received the sign of the cross over her forehead and over her heart and during this part, she smiled. While my head tells me that this was only a coincidence, I have to believe that it was God smiling upon her and upon us today. In so many ways I wish that the entire church could have seen this, but in retrospect, it was a moment I am glad to have shared with her Godparents.

So many people have been instrumental in our lives - helping to shaper who we are and we are so grateful and blessed that these same people are a part of Emily's life. Our prayer today is for peace - peace in knowing that God will take care of us through all of our days, peace in knowing the love that God has for us and our daughter and peace for our friends and family.

You Finally Pooped

Words that I never thought would come out of my mouth...at least not in a jubilant way.

This morning at 5:30 am, my daughter finally pooped. And when she did fireworks went off and there were cheers all around. Okay, there weren't really fireworks, but there were cheers from the audience. An audience of two mind you. The audience started out as one, but upon realizing she pooped I called Dan in the room so that he could have a look too.

Never before would poop have been so exciting. A friend, actually Emily's Godmother, told me that this would happen and I am not sure I believed it until it did. You see, Emily has started this strange pattern of bowel movements in which she will poop for a couple of days in a row and then she will go five days before she poops again. Poor little thing - although it doesn't seem to bother her until the day before she poops. Then you can just see the frustration in her face as she grunts and all she does is pass a little gas. So bearing in mind this "schedule" Emily was due to poop yesterday morning. All day, I waited ... thinking if she doesn't poop soon I am going to have to call the doctor and make sure she is alright. We put her to bed last night and I wondered how many more days do I wait?? Well, this morning, as Emily woke up to eat (at 5:15 am!! She slept all night!) the poop came and I have never been so happy.

Emily was happy, too.

Okay, so not exactly the endearing post that you may have expected, but I thought that this was worth sharing. Not about the poop exactly, but about the amazing transformation that happens to all new parents. Being a new parent I feel I have some authority on this issue. All of the sudden things that didn't matter at all before are the most important thing in the world and things that were the most important thing in the world seem to fade in the background.

All I'm saying is that I never thought I would care so much about poop.